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Why Your Dog's Separation Anxiety Training Isn't Working (And What to Do Instead)

Here's one of the biggest mistakes I see with separation anxiety training, and it's going to sound counterintuitive: people try too hard. I know, I know - you're thinking "But shouldn't I be working on this problem?" Here's the thing though - when you're constantly pushing your dog to stay alone just a little bit longer, trying to "build up their tolerance," you're actually teaching them that being left alone IS hard. It's like being that friend who says "just one more episode" at 2am - nobody's having a good time anymore.


Think about it from your dog's perspective.


Scenario A: "Wow, they left me home alone and it was so chill I didn't even bother getting off the couch."


Versus Scenario B: "Okay, they left me alone, it was going fine, but then it got really difficult and I went right to the edge of a panic attack before they came back."


Which dog is going to feel confident about the next alone time?


The goal of separation anxiety training should be that it feels relatively easy for your dog - not like they're constantly white-knuckling their way through bootcamp. When you work your dog at a level where they're struggling, you're no longer doing desensitization - you're just confirming their belief that being left alone is, indeed, something to worry about.


The Camera-Watching Trap

Now, here's a very common approach I hear people taking, and it's going to make you want to facepalm a little. They leave their dog home alone, set up a camera to watch, start running a timer, and then just... wait. Wait until their dog starts showing signs of stress or begins falling apart, and then they decide to rush back home to "end the practice session."


Look, I get it - part of this thinking is actually correct. You absolutely should not be leaving a dog with separation anxiety home alone for longer than you've trained them to comfortably tolerate. So if you're mid-practice session with a goal of 30 minutes and your dog starts having a hard time at minute 15, yes, you should return immediately. But here's the key: you're returning immediately because we don't want those panic, anxiety, or frustration associations to keep building up. The second we sense the dog might be experiencing any of those emotions, it's time to pull the plug.


But here's what you need to realize - if that happens, that's actually a mistake on your part. It means you didn't read your dog's body language correctly, or the training plan you were practicing was too challenging, or maybe it just wasn't what your dog needed that day. The goal should be easy departures - not departures where your dog barely survives by the skin of their teeth and you're both high-fiving because you "made it to the edge."


What Good Training Actually Looks Like

Good separation anxiety training looks rather uneventful. In fact, it's relatively boring. I know things are going right if I review a client's video practice of their departure and the dog is just sleeping on the couch the entire time. That's the goal - that your dog thinks it's extremely easy and not a big deal to be left home alone. That's the sweet spot where you want to start and build from, and if you do it correctly, your dog will just continue to think that departures are easy.


People think the goal of separation anxiety training needs to be building duration. If the dog can be left home alone for 10 minutes, then they're like "Great! My goal is for my dog to be left home alone for four hours." Which is totally reasonable - but you need to make sure that while your end goal may be to leave your dog home alone comfortably for four hours, that does not mean the goal of your practice sessions is to continually build duration by making training sessions gradually become longer and longer. It's actually not even necessary to do that to get to the longer duration. The goal of training needs to be helping the dog feel at ease and relaxed with departures.


That's the main goal - not trying to get the dog to hit some predetermined amount of time. Because here's the thing: once your dog is a true believer that being left home alone is straightforward, simple, and easy, you will have zero problems leaving your dog for longer durations. I've found that by helping dogs get repetitive easy wins with separation anxiety, we can often reassess and discover we've gained significant duration without directly working on increasing duration at all.


Reading Your Dog's Comfort Signals

So how do you know if your dog is experiencing their separation practice with a sense of ease and relaxation, versus having frustration or anxiety brewing? This is where things get challenging, because all current protocols for separation anxiety rely on you accurately reading your dog's body language. The reality is that when we read dog body language, we're simply making educated guesses about what they may be thinking or feeling based on what they're doing.


One thing that can help is to study your dog's behaviors when they're genuinely relaxed and start cataloguing what those "zen zone behaviors" look like. For example, I have one separation anxiety client where we've discovered that this dog's chill-out behaviors are getting on the couch in the middle and resting his head on the back to take a nap, or laying down in his favorite corner next to the air conditioning vent. If we see either of these behaviors while he's being left home alone during practice, we know the dog is feeling at ease because he's doing one of his signature comfort behaviors.


The second thing you can do is look for behaviors that suggest your dog is NOT feeling 100% relaxed and at ease. For some dogs this might be pacing around the room, approaching the door repetitively without being able to settle, or going into rooms and grabbing things they normally wouldn't touch. But here's where it gets tricky - there's no universal set of behaviors that all dogs display.


For example, I have one client whose dog's comfort behavior is actually going to the garage door after the people exit. If this dog is totally relaxed, he'll go to the garage door and wait for a few minutes after he hears them drive away. Once he realizes they've left, he'll lay himself down right in front of the door and take a nap until they return. This is this dog's "all good" behavior, and when we see it, we know he's doing great. But I have another client where if their dog starts standing around by the door and waiting there, I know that's NOT a comfort behavior for that particular dog - that dog would normally choose to lay down on the couch, so suddenly choosing to stand by the door is a red flag.


You can see where this gets complicated - the same behavior can mean completely different things with different dogs in different environments. That's why it can be beneficial to work with a separation anxiety specialist or certified dog behavior professional, so you can ensure you're reading the signals correctly and not leaving small amounts of lingering stress on the table.


Now, leaving some lingering stress on the table - as in having your dog feel slightly anxious during their home-alone practice - isn't going to cause a major problem the first time it happens. Sometimes we're going to have those "whoops, that was just a teeny bit too hard" moments, and the key is to immediately back off and make it easier. However, if you find that these little bits of anxiety are left unchecked and you think "eh, it's not a big deal, my dog did pretty good, he was just a little anxious," that little bit of anxiety will begin to compound. That frustration will start building, and what started as just one session that was slightly more challenging than "at ease" can pretty quickly turn into a major setback.


The worst thing emotionally for a human working diligently on separation anxiety training is hearing their trainer say, "Hey, I know your dog's been doing really great with 45 minutes, but we're going to need to back that down to 15 because anxiety is creeping in." You definitely don't want that conversation - it's challenging to hear and can cause burnout, fatigue, and make this already emotionally taxing process even harder. While some up-and-down can be a normal part of progressing with separation anxiety, repetitive ups-and-downs usually mean that body language signals have probably been missed along the way.


What You Can Actually Do

So here's what you can actually do to help ensure your separation anxiety desensitization plan goes well and that you don't unintentionally let anxiety or frustration creep in:


First, ensure that the length of time you're leaving your dog is super simple and extremely easy for them. Your dog should barely decide to lift their head up because they're thinking "I don't know what that human is doing - they're exiting the house, leaving for a short period, and coming back. It's relatively boring. I'm gonna go ahead and continue my nap or do whatever it is I was doing before the human started doing their in-and-out-of-the-house stuff."


Second, consider working with a trainer, especially if you've been finding that you've had ups and downs, plateaued, or you've gained duration only to have to cut it back significantly because your dog started doing poorly again. It might be worth your time to invest in a professional to help you accurately read your dog's body language and set up desensitization plans and practice sessions that are actually at the level your dog is currently at. Working with your dog where they actually are - not where you wish they were - is the best way to get things moving and find real success.


Last, study your dog's body language when they are genuinely at ease and relaxed, and make note of those specific behaviors. You want to see these same comfort signals when you're practicing separations as well.


Separation anxiety training doesn't have to feel like you're constantly walking a tightrope, wondering if today's going to be the day everything falls apart. When done thoughtfully and at your dog's pace, it can actually become a pretty straightforward process where both you and your dog start to feel genuinely confident about alone time.


Want to dive deeper into the separation anxiety rabbit hole? I've got you covered:



Ready to help your dog master the art of solo relaxation? The secret isn't in pushing harder - it's in making it so easy they barely notice you've gone.


Game of Bones

Ready to turn your anxious dog into a confident explorer? If your pup struggles with being left alone, they might just need a confidence boost in other areas of life. Game of Bones is a 4-week interactive training adventure that helps dogs build the skills they need to navigate their world with ease. Through fun mini-games and timed practice sessions, you and your dog will level up together - building exploration skills, adaptability, and resilience that translate into overall confidence. Because sometimes the best way to tackle separation anxiety is by helping your dog feel like they can handle anything life throws their way.


Separation Anxiety Coaching

Tired of the guesswork and emotional rollercoaster of DIY separation anxiety training? If this blog hit home and you're realizing you need someone to help you read those tricky body language signals and create a plan that actually works, let's talk. My separation anxiety coaching takes the overwhelm out of the process. We'll work together to design easy-win practice sessions at your dog's actual level (not where you wish they were), so you can finally stop second-guessing every departure and start seeing real progress. Because you and your dog both deserve to feel confident about alone time.

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